You Love Me...

A Facebook memory popped up from July 5th, 2016. It read:

My kids were 3, 7 and 10. My husband traveled for work a lot. I was homeschooling. The days were wonderful, but long. Bedtime is when I would lose my cool after holding it together all day. 

After growing up with the fixed mindset that some people were just "sensitive" (me) and that some people were more logical and level headed (not me), I had learned that emotional maturity could actually be learned and practiced. I had always had the ability to pick up on everyone's emotions around me, and I thought that meant that I was emotionally intelligent. In many ways I was - noticing other's emotions and acting accordingly. However, I often had no idea about how I was feeling until my mask came crashing down. I certainly didn't know how to process my emotions. There were often tears involved. And overwhelm. And shame.

In my research, I had learned that the first step to not yelling is to catch yourself for even a second. Eventually, grow the pause long enough to breathe and choose to respond instead of react. It sounded easy. It was so hard. 

My sweet baby girl decided to take matters into her own hands - literally. This night, like so many others, I was sitting on a stool in her room helping with the bedtime routine, which was definitely taking too long with too much silliness. She could see the tension creeping onto my face, my tight shoulders, how I was rubbing my face, taking deep breaths. She could hear my tone of voice change as I creeped into exhaustion and overwhelm and frustration.

She walked up to me, looked me in the eyes, and - smiling confidently and serenely - made the "I love you" sign with her tiny, chubby hands. 

"You love me and you don't want to be mean to me."

YES baby girl, yes. I was speechless. I couldn't argue with that. It was true.

My pattern had been:

1) Push down feelings and needs all day long

2) Get overwhelmed and cranky at bedtime, use a harsh tone, yell sometimes

3) Feel guilty and anxious the rest of the night, replaying my shortcomings in my head

4) Shame spiral 

But this night - this one, ordinary night - my daughter's extraordinary message shifted things. It stopped me in my tracks and forced me to pause. She reminded me of my core values - love and kindness - and saw the good in me. She helped me take the pause I struggled to take for myself. She felt safe enough to say "stop".

From that day forward, I never yelled again. NOT!! Ha! If only it were so easy!

I still have outbursts of overwhelm because I am still human. A neurosparkly human. But my family now approaches overwhelm and stress with kindness and compassion. We practice naming our needs and feelings, and respecting the needs and feelings of one another. I believe that a lot of problems can be solved by doing precisely that. 

Want to practice catching yourself? As a parent, the first step is to notice how you're doing.

• Notice what needs you're ignoring, what feelings you're pushing down.
• Practice showing kindness and care to your inner world.
• Journaling is an awesome way to listen to yourself. If that's not your thing, a quick, "How am I doing right now?" is a good place to start.
• Scan your body - are you tired? Hungry? Lonely? Stressed? Tense?
• Notice it and name it. That's a great place to start. 

And if you need to borrow my daughter's mantra and imagine your own kids saying it to you - I offer it to you humbly. Parenting is so hard. You're doing a great job. 

XO,

Audrey